When disappointment is associated with a particular outcome, it is usually because I have attempted to drive it, tried to manage what I can’t control, or simply allowed the challenges surrounding it to become excuses for not doing my part in it.
Read more...When we were in school, we got the lesson and then the test. It is not always the same out here in real life. It's more like, we get the test and then the lesson.
Read more...“How are you feeling today?”
“My feelings were hurt.”
“I’m not feeling it.”
It would be easier to respond to the “facts” about our life situations if people asked, “What is true about your life today?”, or “What can you do today that will make a positive difference?”
We can easily become overly concerned about what we ‘think” someone else is ‘thinking’ regarding us. When, in actuality, we may be the furthest thing from their minds. When I begin thinking like this, I chuckle and remind myself that I am only ‘kind of a big deal’ in my own mind. 🙂
Picture a train, the engine is the power that drives it and the caboose (when they were used) served to house the crew responsible for track switching and acting as lookouts for load shifting or other concerns. If we regard the TRUTH about our lives as the engine of the train that drives us, we can move along empowered by making decisions based on what we know to be right.
If, on the other hand, we are led by our FEELINGS, it is as if we are agreeing to allow the caboose to engineer our life train. Therefore, we become disempowered because we can be on a roller coaster driven by emotions and not truth. It is stressful and chaotic at best and ultimately results in, you guessed it, a train wreck!
Avoiding this mindset of feelings-driven living, requires us to be intentional in cultivating a belief system that is grounded in the truth about any given situation. By recognizing the things we have the power to change as well as the ones we need to accept, we can be empowered to put our efforts where we can make the most difference.
When I struggle with determining the facts vs. my feelings, I ask myself, “What am I feeling about the current situation I am facing?” And then, “What is true about the current situation I am facing?”
Feelings are merely assumptions we make, often based on past experiences, and can impact what we believe about the way something is likely to turn out.
It is much less stressful to focus on the facts and adjust to what is true than it is to be carried on the winds of our feelings, emotionally going up and down and never really sure what is true and what to expect.
Regardless of our feelings or emotions, we can choose to remind ourselves that our feelings follow our actions, so choose what is the next best thing you need to do and do it… the right feelings will come along in due time!
Sheri xo
Sheri Geyer is a Relationship Coach for Women who are ready to Create Joy-Filled ❤️ Relationships, Emotional Wellness & Lasting Joy! Let's Go...
*Enjoy Peaceful Relationships by Eliminating Negative Beliefs and Unhealthy Habits.
*Experience Emotional Wellness by Establishing Safe Personal Limits aka Boundaries.
*Eliminate the Need to Spend Time, Energy & Money for Ongoing Therapy, Attorney Fees and Relational Losses.
Spread the Love by Clicking the Share Link at the Top Left of this Post!
This is a special tribute to my three amazing daughters .... who have forged a path for me to gain wisdom.... You are my child, my teacher, my friend.....
Dear Angel, AnnaLynne & Rachel…
From the moment I first saw your face, you gazing with eyes not yet focused, me gazing with eyes filled with wonder...until the moment when I watched you fly from the nest to meet your appointments with life, I am certain that being your mom has been the most rewarding, fearful and joyful experience I could ever hope to have.
I am convinced that it is you who has been the teacher, and it is I, who has been the student.
You began making sentences, with "Why, Mama?" Later in your teen years, you changed it to, "Why not, Mom?" Your stream of endless questions kept your thirst for life as a continual quest. You never tired of learning and growing and exploring and dreaming and creating.
All I had to do was comment that I wasn't sure how or if a particular thing could work the way you hoped, to set you in motion. You put your whole heart into the things you are passionate about.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned from watching you, is to be passionate about what and who you love!
Even before you could speak, your eyes asked questions and your tiny hands reached to touch, learn, taste and see.
I was amazed at the thirst you had to learn numbers, letters, animals, colors, textures, foods, shapes, trees, flowers, stars, and clouds.
We read books and you became the much-loved characters. Your imagination was infinite. You would lead, and I would follow.
I grew so much more aware of the world around me through the wonder in your eyes.
You taught me trust, delight, and hope. You gave my life meaning and purpose.
You held a mirror before each of my attitudes and you role-played all my reactions.You became the reason for me to make better choices, to mean what I said, to live what I believe, and to internalize all that is good in my life. It is you, who connected the dots for me.
In a sense, I grew up right along with you. I wanted to be more like you. And, I still do!
I understood why God said that to get into heaven, I would need to become as a little child.
I learned that your spontaneous way of doing life was so much more freeing than the legalistic and controlled way I had attempted to live it.
You wiped away the dust from my daily routine and colored the common things with fresh ideas and showered me with delight to hear your giggles and laughter.
You made things new and gave me a desire to live authentically and become the best version of myself.
You gave me eyes to appreciate and see the value in people, whether they were aged or from different cultures.
You saw the beauty in the plain and creativity in those timid or challenged. You gave me an open path to tap into my creative energies!
In this season of our lives, I am simply grateful to be here for you, to support, encourage, cheerlead, and experience all that is important to You....
You have become the most beautiful young women, not so much my children, as my friends, and truthfully, my instructors in how to love the life I live!!
You have taught me that love is my commitment to the welfare of another.
You are the reason that it all makes sense for me now.
I love you always !
Your Forever Fan, Mommy =)
Sheri Geyer is a Relationship Coach for Women who are ready to Create Joy-Filled ❤️ Relationships, Emotional Wellness & Lasting Joy! Let's Go...
*Enjoy Peaceful Relationships by Eliminating Negative Beliefs and Unhealthy Habits.
*Experience Emotional Wellness by Establishing Safe Personal Limits aka Boundaries.
*Eliminate the Need to Spend Time, Energy & Money for Ongoing Therapy, Attorney Fees and Relational Losses.
Spread the Love by Clicking the Share Link at the Top Left of this Post!
For most situations in my life, I would be willing to say that I don't blame other people for things that happen to me. I've managed to survive divorce without making it all someone else's fault. I've managed to grow up without feeling I'm entitled because of something my parents did or did not do in line with my expectations.
I have been willing to go the extra mile in work or projects where I truly wanted to succeed, without expecting anyone else to tow the line for me. I have basically tried to take ownership of my life.
However, I have continually been challenged in my thinking regarding 'difficult' people in my world, due to a longstanding false belief that their impact on my life has more to do with their issues than with mine.
Since I coach and facilitate groups around creating healthier relationships and healthy boundaries, I have finally come to realize that difficult people are the sandpaper God allows into my life to smooth out my rough edges.
If I am looking at the actions or behavior of others and making excuses for the way I react to them, I am not "getting it". I have not been afforded the opportunity to order every piece of my environment so that it is perfected for my convenience. There are places inside my soul that need to be healed from expectations I've had that the world revolves around me and my comfort. Tough lesson. Much needed.
My grandmother often said "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me". Meaning that after I've observed the attitudes and reactions of a difficult, angry, controlling, irresponsible or otherwise annoying personality, and I continue to allow it to go on in my life unaddressed, this is something I am responsible for. If you are standing on my toe and I'm too "scared, embarrassed, fearful" to find my voice and tell you, is this really your problem?
I am learning that the voice that speaks for me is and should be ONLY my own. If I expect you to protect my feelings, talents, emotions, ideas etc. and I do nothing to communicate my hurt feelings when you trample them, how is this something that you can be held responsible for? If you ask for truth and I gloss it over with the "oh no, I'm fine", how are you supposed to know? If I am intent on faking 'fine', I am choosing to 'accept' the behavior and actions of someone with whom I may need to find the courage to have that difficult conversation I have been avoiding.
Often, I have witnessed people, years after a relational breakdown continue to speak about how the person did such and such to them. They recount and relive every detail as though they are still living it. All the while, holding the other party fully responsible. Never coming to the realization that if it was a continual process, they were partly responsible for enabling it to continue as long as they did. How tragic, because this behavior impacts future relationships and hinders forgiveness and the ability to move on from the wounds.
While some recognize the truth in "we have seen the enemy and it is us", many do not realize that enabling a relationship to continue without addressing issues that have hurt and wounded us is very self-destructive.
Somehow they manage to relieve the guilt by blaming the other person for being so difficult, controlling, angry, threatening yada yada yada. When in reality, all along, confrontation was necessary.
We excuse our challenges by saying that we dislike confrontations. With tongue in cheek here, I ask, which do you dislike more, confrontations or having someone trample all over the things you value and feeling powerless to do anything about it? If we are not pro-active to protect our peace and calm, who else will be?
The 'blame' game, which is me believing that my reactions are somehow someone else's fault or responsibility, only keeps the cycle of chaos going. The relationship doesn't heal and neither can I. Taking responsibility and ownership of what we choose and what we allow into our lives, goes much farther in getting us out of destructive cycles.
God gave us free will and the ability and strength to manage our lives. We must own up to the responsibility of saying, "if it's to be, it's up to me" when it comes to using our voice to establish safe limits on what we will allow into our lives and what we will eliminate from our lives. No one can do this for us.
We alone know the impact someone else's words or actions have on us and we have the right and responsibility to calmly make them aware of our feelings around their actions. This provides the greatest opportunity for the relationship to move through the painful or awkward phase and into a breakthrough where it can be restored, often to a closer, more intimate bond. Breakdowns and places where we are most resistant are often the places where we will have the greatest breakthroughs.
Even if we are unable, at this point, to get the relationship back on track, we can be free of the control we allow it to have over our lives when we choose to forgive. Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves. The other person may not even be aware of our choice. I've often heard it said that choosing not to forgive someone, which isn't saying that what they did was okay, is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It’s never going to happen.
What I do know from my own experience when going through the divorce of a 19-year marriage is that not forgiving someone basically gives them free rent inside my head.
If you don't want to continue to get what you have always received, you must change the methods in which you respond to and handle the same issues.
We cannot change or control another person. I can't say to you, "you will not speak to me this way" and really expect that you will simply season your words with kindness. A better approach is to say, "if you choose to act in this manner, I will not be present. I refuse to allow myself to be treated this way".
This seems somewhat scary depending on the significance of the relationship in our lives. However, what kind of relationship is it anyway, if we are merely showing up to be treated poorly? Distancing ourselves from someone's outbursts requires them to reflect on the relationship and take responsibility for their actions, if the relationship is important to them. What if they walk away, you may ask? Well, the sooner you know the better, right?
It is okay to set limits on the way you are treated, how much time you will spend helping another person, and in the commitments you make. The important thing is that we give and serve from a cheerful heart. If we do it for any other purpose rather than out of love, we will feel obligated and resentful.
We may be thinking we are actually helping someone, but that simply isn't true if we have expectations or strings attached to the time or gifts we give. Giving from a cheerful heart requires that we do our kind deeds from a heart of love and not out of fear of the other person's reactions.
Freedom to be who we are, requires finding our voice to speak for what we can or can't do, will or won't do, what we need, or how and when we desire to give our time or resources to help another person .
It is much better to spend time with someone who wants to help than with someone who is edgy and resentful because they really do not want to do what they have signed on for. Offer your support out of a sincere desire to serve. Say no when you cannot give without stress or resentment. Enjoy the difference!
Also remember, if you decline an opportunity and find later than you can get on board, it is much easier to turn your "no" into a "yes" than the reverse. You will truly experience better and safer relationships. People don't remember what we say or do ~ they remember the way we make them feel.
Find where you can serve joyously and go spread the joy!
PS. If you have enjoyed this post, please share with other fabulous women who are ready to do Life-by-God’s-Design!
Sheri Geyer is a Relationship Coach for Women who are ready to Create Joy-Filled ❤️ Relationships, Emotional Wellness & Lasting Joy! Let's Go...
*Enjoy Peaceful Relationships by Eliminating Negative Beliefs and Unhealthy Habits.
*Experience Emotional Wellness by Establishing Safe Personal Limits aka Boundaries.
*Eliminate the Need to Spend Time, Energy & Money for Ongoing Therapy, Attorney Fees and Relational Losses.
Spread the Love by Clicking the Share Link at the Top Left of this Post!
