Have you ever spent time with your spouse, parent, son or daughter, or a close friend and mentioned an idea only to have them either respond with silence or a host of questions? Or perhaps, they have mentioned something about your idea that brought some anxiety or concern to them?
What happens next? Do you calmly try to ease their minds by providing additional info or holding space for them to share their thoughts or concerns? Or, like many of us, do you assume the worst... 'they think my idea is bad', or 'they are angry at me for suggesting this' or 'they really are not open to try anything different', etc.? Are we too easy to jump to conclusions on situations because we read too much into them?
Let's consider for a moment that they may simply be processing their thoughts and want to learn more about the specifics of what you are sharing with them? Maybe it isn't that they are unwilling, but simply that their personality may naturally just be one that is more curious and they prefer having more details.
Mama always told me to "Never assume!" You may have heard that before as well. However, my mother was not one to use the word 'never' because she believed that 'we should never say never because we never know!' So, when she said not to assume numerous times, it was something I paid close attention to.
She had a little pun to add to it. I won't write it here but I'll give you a little riddle. The first three letters in the word 'assume' describe the King James term for a donkey. The last three letters tell who is made out to be the animal described in the first three letters. So, have a little fun and you will figure it out. If not, reach out to me in the comments below (You will need to click the link to my site at the bottom of this email. The comment form is displayed at the bottom of the post on my site).
I am a verbal processor so I will often repeat back a thought or an idea that is suggested to me. Sometimes, I make sound like a parrot, LOL! This is the only way I have been able to internalize what I've heard. Without verbal processing, it is also difficult for me to remember what I hear. I'm a little weird in that way!
Internal processors (they need to 'think' on it), can get really annoyed by folks who process the way I do. In fact, when we need to think on things, often it can be a real challenge to avoid assuming because we don't always experience our curiousity right out of the gate. The challenge presents itself later when questions come to mind and whoever shared the idea with us may no longer be around to provide the clarity that is needed.
We typically view the world through the lens of our own experiences, history, personality, temperament and perhaps, through the way we were raised. Additionally, we interpret words and body language in similar ways as well.
What this means in significant relationships, is that we tend to routinely misunderstand or misread what is said or done. And more importantly, we may take it personally! And then, take offense. (Note here: offenses are taken, not given, so think on that a bit).
Wrong assumptions and mistaken perceptions typically increase conflict in relationships, and can often lead to damaging arguments. This is especially true in marriage and other close relationships.
Here are some negative patterns to be on the look out for, in order to avoid negative relational issues:
1) Pay attention to your thoughts and perceptions. When you notice you are making assumptions, ask yourself, "Is this perception accurate? Or am I reading too much into this?"
2) Be aware of the lenses that you are seeing life through. When my oldest daughter was a teenager, she once stated to me a simple but profound truth. She said, "Life is a perception issue, Mom. It is what we perceive it to be, whether or not it is true". Such wisdom! Our perspectives can be accurate or they can be terribly distorted at times. Consider the experiences that you've had that have shaped the way you view life: anger, fear, loss or rejection, shame or guilt, hopelessness, perfectionism, people pleasing, avoidance, or withdrawal, etc. When you are processing what someone may mean when they are saying or doing something that you are uncertain about, ask yourself if you are observing their words or actions through any of these lenses that may have caused much difficulty for you.
3) Identify negative thoughts and feelings that may surface as you listen to what your loved one is saying. (One major issue to be aware of here is to be sure you are actively listening. Active listening means not interrupting and not focusing on what or how you will respond... just listen!) Bring your negative thoughts or feelings out in the open and pose them as questions to gain greater clarity and avoid the risk of harming the relational connection.
4) Make the effort to move your thoughts in a more accurate direction. Our thoughts have a lot of power to move us forward or mislead us in destructive ways that hold us back. This is especially important to remember. Consider the words of the Apostle Paul, in 2 Corinthians 10:15, "Take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ". If you find that you are tempted to make wrong or negative assumptions, pause before you react, and consider if the lens you are viewing the situation through may be distorted.
By putting these strategies into practice, you can avoid rocky relationships. Letting go of your assumptions and focusing on what your loved one is actually trying to communicate helps clear up false assumptions and expectations that lead to misunderstandings, and provide for more pleasant and joy-filled relationships!
If this is an encouragement for you, please share with the other amazing women in your life!
-Sheri xo
Sheri Geyer is a Relationship Coach for Women who are ready to Create Joy-Filled ❤️ Relationships, Emotional Wholeness & Lasting Joy! Let's Go...
*Enjoy Peaceful Relationships by Eliminating Negative Beliefs and Unhealthy Habits.
*Experience Emotional Wellness by Establishing Safe Personal Limits aka Boundaries.
*Eliminate the Need to Spend Time, Energy & Money for Ongoing Therapy, Attorney Fees and Relational Losses.
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When disappointment is associated with a particular outcome, it is usually because I have attempted to drive it, tried to manage what I can’t control, or simply allowed the challenges surrounding it to become excuses for not doing my part in it.
Read more...When we were in school, we got the lesson and then the test. It is not always the same out here in real life. It's more like, we get the test and then the lesson.
Read more...“How are you feeling today?”
“My feelings were hurt.”
“I’m not feeling it.”
It would be easier to respond to the “facts” about our life situations if people asked, “What is true about your life today?”, or “What can you do today that will make a positive difference?”
We can easily become overly concerned about what we ‘think” someone else is ‘thinking’ regarding us. When, in actuality, we may be the furthest thing from their minds. When I begin thinking like this, I chuckle and remind myself that I am only ‘kind of a big deal’ in my own mind. 🙂
Picture a train, the engine is the power that drives it and the caboose (when they were used) served to house the crew responsible for track switching and acting as lookouts for load shifting or other concerns. If we regard the TRUTH about our lives as the engine of the train that drives us, we can move along empowered by making decisions based on what we know to be right.
If, on the other hand, we are led by our FEELINGS, it is as if we are agreeing to allow the caboose to engineer our life train. Therefore, we become disempowered because we can be on a roller coaster driven by emotions and not truth. It is stressful and chaotic at best and ultimately results in, you guessed it, a train wreck!
Avoiding this mindset of feelings-driven living, requires us to be intentional in cultivating a belief system that is grounded in the truth about any given situation. By recognizing the things we have the power to change as well as the ones we need to accept, we can be empowered to put our efforts where we can make the most difference.
When I struggle with determining the facts vs. my feelings, I ask myself, “What am I feeling about the current situation I am facing?” And then, “What is true about the current situation I am facing?”
Feelings are merely assumptions we make, often based on past experiences, and can impact what we believe about the way something is likely to turn out.
It is much less stressful to focus on the facts and adjust to what is true than it is to be carried on the winds of our feelings, emotionally going up and down and never really sure what is true and what to expect.
Regardless of our feelings or emotions, we can choose to remind ourselves that our feelings follow our actions, so choose what is the next best thing you need to do and do it… the right feelings will come along in due time!
Sheri xo
Sheri Geyer is a Relationship Coach for Women who are ready to Create Joy-Filled ❤️ Relationships, Emotional Wholeness & Lasting Joy! Let's Go...
*Enjoy Peaceful Relationships by Eliminating Negative Beliefs and Unhealthy Habits.
*Experience Emotional Wellness by Establishing Safe Personal Limits aka Boundaries.
*Eliminate the Need to Spend Time, Energy & Money for Ongoing Therapy, Attorney Fees and Relational Losses.
Spread the Love by Clicking the Share Link at the Top Left of this Post!
This is a special tribute to my three amazing daughters .... who have forged a path for me to gain wisdom.... You are my child, my teacher, my friend.....
Dear Angel, AnnaLynne & Rachel…
From the moment I first saw your face, you gazing with eyes not yet focused, me gazing with eyes filled with wonder...until the moment when I watched you fly from the nest to meet your appointments with life, I am certain that being your mom has been the most rewarding, fearful and joyful experience I could ever hope to have.
I am convinced that it is you who has been the teacher, and it is I, who has been the student.
You began making sentences, with "Why, Mama?" Later in your teen years, you changed it to, "Why not, Mom?" Your stream of endless questions kept your thirst for life as a continual quest. You never tired of learning and growing and exploring and dreaming and creating.
All I had to do was comment that I wasn't sure how or if a particular thing could work the way you hoped, to set you in motion. You put your whole heart into the things you are passionate about.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned from watching you, is to be passionate about what and who you love!
Even before you could speak, your eyes asked questions and your tiny hands reached to touch, learn, taste and see.
I was amazed at the thirst you had to learn numbers, letters, animals, colors, textures, foods, shapes, trees, flowers, stars, and clouds.
We read books and you became the much-loved characters. Your imagination was infinite. You would lead, and I would follow.
I grew so much more aware of the world around me through the wonder in your eyes.
You taught me trust, delight, and hope. You gave my life meaning and purpose.
You held a mirror before each of my attitudes and you role-played all my reactions.You became the reason for me to make better choices, to mean what I said, to live what I believe, and to internalize all that is good in my life. It is you, who connected the dots for me.
In a sense, I grew up right along with you. I wanted to be more like you. And, I still do!
I understood why God said that to get into heaven, I would need to become as a little child.
I learned that your spontaneous way of doing life was so much more freeing than the legalistic and controlled way I had attempted to live it.
You wiped away the dust from my daily routine and colored the common things with fresh ideas and showered me with delight to hear your giggles and laughter.
You made things new and gave me a desire to live authentically and become the best version of myself.
You gave me eyes to appreciate and see the value in people, whether they were aged or from different cultures.
You saw the beauty in the plain and creativity in those timid or challenged. You gave me an open path to tap into my creative energies!
In this season of our lives, I am simply grateful to be here for you, to support, encourage, cheerlead, and experience all that is important to You....
You have become the most beautiful young women, not so much my children, as my friends, and truthfully, my instructors in how to love the life I live!!
You have taught me that love is my commitment to the welfare of another.
You are the reason that it all makes sense for me now.
I love you always !
Your Forever Fan, Mommy =)
Sheri Geyer is a Relationship Coach for Women who are ready to Create Joy-Filled ❤️ Relationships, Emotional Wholeness & Lasting Joy! Let's Go...
*Enjoy Peaceful Relationships by Eliminating Negative Beliefs and Unhealthy Habits.
*Experience Emotional Wellness by Establishing Safe Personal Limits aka Boundaries.
*Eliminate the Need to Spend Time, Energy & Money for Ongoing Therapy, Attorney Fees and Relational Losses.
Spread the Love by Clicking the Share Link at the Top Left of this Post!
