Today,
We embark on a sensitive journey that many women find themselves on—the decision to divorce or reconcile, with a particular focus on intimacy. When passion and connection wane, what should you do? Let's explore how intimacy plays a pivotal role in your choice.
Intimacy: The Heartbeat of a Relationship
Intimacy is the soul's language of love. It's not just about physical closeness but the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connections that bond two people. When at a crossroads, deciding whether to divorce or reconcile, it's vital to understand the role of intimacy in your relationship.
The Power of Communication:
Intimacy begins with open and honest communication. If you're considering reconciliation, initiating conversations about your desires, concerns, and fantasies is key. Creating an environment where both partners feel safe discussing their desires and needs can reignite the spark.
Emotional Intimacy:
True intimacy often starts in the emotional realm. Reflect on the emotional closeness you once shared with your partner. If you're considering divorce, discuss your feelings openly and honestly. Emotional intimacy can be a stepping stone towards healthier connections in future relationships.
Physical Intimacy:
Physical intimacy is an essential component of any romantic relationship. If your physical connection has dwindled, consider discussing your desires, exploring new experiences, or seeking professional help to reignite the flame.
Divorce: When Intimacy Fizzles Out
In some cases, despite best efforts, intimacy may seem impossible to revive, leading to the path of divorce.
Legal Consultation:
When you've reached a point where intimacy is irreparably damaged, consult a family law attorney to guide you through the divorce process. They can ensure your rights and interests are protected.
Prioritize Self-Care:
Divorce is a challenging journey, but it's also an opportunity to focus on self-care and personal growth. Reconnect with yourself, pursue your passions, and build a fulfilling life outside of the relationship.
Reconciliation: Rekindling the Flame
If both you and your partner are committed to reigniting intimacy, it is possible, but it takes work and dedication.
Seek Professional Help:
Consider enlisting the assistance of a licensed therapist or sex counselor who specializes in intimacy issues. They can provide guidance and techniques to rebuild physical and emotional connections.
Create Intimacy Rituals:
Establish rituals that promote intimacy in your relationship, such as regular date nights, deep conversations, or even sensual experiences like massages or shared hobbies.
Intimacy is the heart of any thriving relationship, and its decline can leave you at a crossroads. When facing the decision of divorce versus reconciliation, evaluate the state of intimacy within your partnership. It can be revived with patience, communication, and effort. Remember, every relationship is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all solution. Trust your instincts and seek professional advice as you navigate this intricate journey. At Law For Love, we're here to support you in making the best choice for your future and happiness.
Dear Readers,
To another insightful journey with Law For Love, your trusted source for navigating the complex terrain of love, relationships, and the law. Today, we're addressing a poignant issue that many women find themselves grappling with – the decision to either divorce or attempt reconciliation. At the heart of this crucial choice lies the power of effective communication.
Communication: The Lighthouse in Your Storm
It's often said that communication is the lifeline of any relationship. When considering whether to proceed with divorce or make an earnest effort towards reconciliation, it's vital to understand how communication can make all the difference.
The Art of Listening:
One of the cornerstones of effective communication is the ability to listen. In times of emotional turbulence, it's easy to become absorbed in our own thoughts and feelings, leaving our partner feeling unheard and invalidated. If reconciliation is on your radar, take the time to listen actively to your spouse. Allow them to express their emotions and concerns without interruption. This can pave the way for a deeper understanding and connection.
Open and Honest Dialogue:
Whether you're contemplating divorce or reconciliation, open and honest dialogue is key. Be transparent about your feelings, fears, and desires. If divorce is looming, discussing your intentions calmly and respectfully can help both parties navigate the process with less acrimony. If reconciliation is the goal, sharing your thoughts on what went wrong and how you can both work towards a healthier relationship is crucial.
Seek Professional Guidance:
Sometimes, communication breakdowns can be so entrenched that they require professional intervention. Consider seeking the assistance of a skilled therapist or counselor who specializes in relationships. A trained mediator can help facilitate difficult conversations and provide tools for improving communication patterns.
Divorce: When Communication Reaches a Dead End
In some cases, despite best efforts, communication may prove insufficient to bridge the chasm that has developed in your relationship. When communication breakdowns persist, divorce might be the most reasonable option. In these situations, it's vital to communicate your intentions clearly and legally.
Consult with an Attorney:
When divorce becomes inevitable, consult with an experienced family law attorney who can guide you through the legal process. Proper legal representation can help ensure your rights and interests are protected throughout the divorce proceedings.
Prioritize Child Custody Communication:
If you have children, clear and effective communication with your ex-spouse remains vital. Co-parenting can be challenging, but keeping lines of communication open and respectful is essential for your children's well-being.
Reconciliation: Nurturing the Flame
If, on the other hand, you and your spouse are genuinely committed to making your marriage work, effective communication is your most potent ally.
Set Clear Goals:
Sit down together and set clear, realistic goals for your reconciliation journey. Discuss what needs to change and how you both plan to contribute to rebuilding trust and emotional connection.
Keep the Lines Open:
Communication doesn't stop once you've decided to reconcile. Consistent, open communication is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. Make time to check in with each other regularly, discuss any concerns that arise, and celebrate your progress.
In the tumultuous decision-making process of divorce versus reconciliation, communication is your guiding light. It can help you make informed choices, minimize conflict, and pave the way for a happier, healthier future. Remember that every relationship is unique, and what works for one couple may not work for another. Seek professional guidance and trust your instincts as you navigate this challenging crossroads. At Law For Love, we're here to support you every step of the way.
In today's reading of Luke 9:46-48, a power struggle broke out among the disciples:
Who is greater?
And when I examine this passage from the perspective of a family mediator, it revealed the source of all power struggles – pride.
I was exhausted this past weekend. There were lots of changes to my priorities. The same was true for my husband. He just started a new job with a rigorous commute. Day in and day out. I yielded for him to vent all of his challenges.
In times past. I would also add my own challenges into the mix to balance things out and to give voice to my own pain. When I examine my motivation for how I’ve done this in the past, I realized something I was not very proud of. My motive was to demonstrate an equal or greater burden. I did not want my contributions to be overlooked, taken for granted or minimized in light of my husband’s own experiences.
But last week was different. I listened attentively. I stopped in the middle of my own (very important) work I was doing it when he came home from work. I took a spot on the couch in my office to hear all about his day. It was also exhausting. He wasn’t the only one navigating a new season with new challenges. I was worn out when the weekend arrived. When he finally had a moment to look past himself, he noticed I was not my usual bright-eyed and playful self. I was exhausted.
I explained without going into detail, how the past week was tough for me. Suddenly, all of the attention and support I lended him was given back to me. In that moment, he had to make an adjustment for me the same way I had for him the entire weekl. I simply did not have the bandwidth to hang out late as we often do on the weekends. All I wanted was my bed, darkness and quiet. I was simply no fun.
Eventually, with peace, quiet, and vitamins, my battery was recharged. I re-engaged with my family. The space and empathy my husband provided me expedited my recovery. We engaged in power struggles often without realizing it was a battle of “who’s the greatest,” or rather, “who is giving the most.”
Our human default–pride–is seeking to be constantly fed morsels of self-importance. As I navigated this test of my will, it took everything in me to simply shut up and listen. Sure, my work is definitely important. But what I was tested on was whether I am able to esteem my husband’s work more than my own.
When Yahusha (Jesus) addressed the question, “who is greatest,” he picked up a child. He used the child as a demonstration. He was a little person, or as I often say a “short body.” And the King effectively explained to his men the “short body” is the greatest. We enter power struggles perceiving importance in certain ways. When addressing men who valued their importance as community leaders, he flipped their paradigm. Your service is what makes you great.
This is the same In my family practice. Nearly 99% of women complain that their husbands do not listen to them. Oddly enough, men are not as vocal about their own desire to be heard by their wives.
One wife recently shared with me how all she’s been doing is listening to her husband. In her mind, she was no longer being true to herself. She still had her own beliefs, thoughts and opinions. Yet, when she recounted the most recent blowup between her and her husband, I helped her identify the power struggle. She did not see how, at first glance, her approach to the conversation threatened her husband's authority. However, in the moment, she believed she was simply exercising her right to disagree. However, with some additional insight she finally understood how she was actually resorting to an instinctive dominance rather than simply stating disagreement.
Most men will quickly admit they don’t want a woman who agrees with everything they say. They enjoy the mental stimulation of a conversation based on facts and a civil exchange of a difference of opinions. What they don’t enjoy, however, is aggression, hyper emotionalism or dismissal. And to be completely fair . . . women don’t like that mess either.
So now that we understand that pride is the root of our power struggles, how do we reverse the damage it has done in our relationship?
Some advice to the ladies
Truly hear him, hear what he’s afraid to tell you bluntly for fear it's going to explode or backfire on him. Hear what he says bluntly but listen without interpreting what he is saying as an attack, rejection, or threat of abandonment.
What I have found in reversing my own cycles of aggression and dominance is that the more I listen to my husband, the more he entreats me to share my thoughts with him. It's so simple. Yet the hardest part is my attitude that I should be heard first, sometimes that is true but the general rule that Yahusha gives us in Luke 9:46 - 49 is this:
The thing you desire the most in your relationship
is the thing you must be willing to give first.
For many women, it is *weird* to hear a man express his pain, disappointment, or vulnerability.
Why?
Let’s look at the social constructs for a quick moment. Men are valued for their financial prowess, aggression, and strength. If you take one look at “the Don,” whether or not you connect with any of his political or social ideology, he is a great example of how men identify with this social construct.
So what happens when he’s fumbling financially?
When he’s passive?
When he appears to be weak?
What is at risk for him is the loss of respect. And so, for that reason, many men who I interface with in my work simply keep a lid on their pain.
I remember in a distant land, long ago, when I was convinced my husband had NO feelings. In my mind, I was the only person who felt pain in our equation. The fact that he simply showed up in our conflict with a recital of the facts (rather than his feelings) only confirmed my bias.
This man does not understand . . .
But I had it all wrong.
And now, when I’m working on the male side of a family situation, I'm a lot more informed. There is a lot of pain there for men. And so many of these men really love their wives. For some of them, they express that love through gifts and physical provision. For others, they take for granted “she knows I love her,” never seeing the signs that she has emotionally checked out on him. A long time ago . . .
But men are hurting, too.
I am directing this post to both men and women. To the men, I am letting you know that you are not alone. I know that society is not accepting of you just breaking down and crying. You have been taught to “suck it up,” and “be a man.” And as a sister of three brothers, mother of three sons, and wife of an incredibly strong man, I want you to know that your feelings matter to us. The pickle is that we as your female counterpart are not always tuned into your feelings. We often rely on your strength. And so, unfortunately, we have imposed some unrealistic expectations on you simply because you are a man.
And for the ladies. . .
He wants to be heard, just like we do. And often he is doubly frustrated when he is not heard because he’s not supposed to show *weakness* by saying, “hey, that hurt when you said that.” And if he has hurt you by not listening to you, therein lies a huge opportunity.
Hear him.
Listen for the clues that are telling you about his pain, his frustration, his disappointment. And believe it or not, hearing him first will open up the bandwidth in your relationship for you to be heard. And please don’t mistake this for an expectation that he is going to show up for you right away. I’m not even suggesting that he is going to get it right. I’m only advocating for men today because, well, they hurt just as much as we do when they have lost connection and meaning. That does not make women responsible for “his stuff.” Rather, it evens the emotional playing field to make allowances for the side who has too often been socially silenced from sharing his feelings.
Why?
Let’s look at the social constructs for a quick moment. Men are valued for their financial prowess, aggression, and strength. If you take one look at “the Don,” whether or not you connect with any of his political or social ideology, he is a great example of how men identify with this social construct.
So what happens when he’s fumbling financially?
When he’s passive?
When he appears to be weak?
What is at risk for him is the loss of respect. And so, for that reason, many men who I interface with in my work simply keep a lid on their pain.
I remember in a distant land, long ago, when I was convinced my husband had NO feelings. In my mind, I was the only person who felt pain in our equation. The fact that he simply showed up in our conflict with a recital of the facts (rather than his feelings) only confirmed my bias.
This man does not understand . . .
But I had it all wrong.
And now, when I’m working on the male side of a family situation, I'm a lot more informed. There is a lot of pain there for men. And so many of these men really love their wives. For some of them, they express that love through gifts and physical provision. For others, they take for granted “she knows I love her,” never seeing the signs that she has emotionally checked out on him. A long time ago . . .
But men are hurting, too.
I am directing this post to both men and women. To the men, I am letting you know that you are not alone. I know that society is not accepting of you just breaking down and crying. You have been taught to “suck it up,” and “be a man.” And as a sister of three brothers, mother of three sons, and wife of an incredibly strong man, I want you to know that your feelings matter to us. The pickle is that we as your female counterpart are not always tuned into your feelings. We often rely on your strength. And so, unfortunately, we have imposed some unrealistic expectations on you simply because you are a man.
And for the ladies. . .
He wants to be heard, just like we do. And often he is doubly frustrated when he is not heard because he’s not supposed to show *weakness* by saying, “hey, that hurt when you said that.” And if he has hurt you by not listening to you, therein lies a huge opportunity.
Hear him.
Listen for the clues that are telling you about his pain, his frustration, his disappointment. And believe it or not, hearing him first will open up the bandwidth in your relationship for you to be heard. And please don’t mistake this for an expectation that he is going to show up for you right away. I’m not even suggesting that he is going to get it right. I’m only advocating for men today because, well, they hurt just as much as we do when they have lost connection and meaning. That does not make women responsible for “his stuff.” Rather, it evens the emotional playing field to make allowances for the side who has too often been socially silenced from sharing his feelings.
HUGS,
