At the core of every human nervous system are two essential longings:
To be held.
And to be free.
And to be free.
These are not just abstract desires — they’re deeply felt needs, wired into the body from the beginning.
To be held is the need for connection, safety, and secure attachment. It’s the experience of being met emotionally — of having someone stay with you, not abandon or fix you, when you’re vulnerable, tender, or dysregulated.
To be free is the need for authenticity, self-expression, and autonomy. It’s the ability to take up space, speak your truth, and move in your natural rhythm without fear of being punished, rejected, or made small.
Most of us didn’t grow up with both.
Many of us learned we could be held only if we performed, pleased, or stayed “small.”
Or that we could be free only if we disconnected from others to protect our truth.
Many of us learned we could be held only if we performed, pleased, or stayed “small.”
Or that we could be free only if we disconnected from others to protect our truth.
This is where somatic work comes in.
Because the body remembers.
And in relationship, these old patterns surface.
And in relationship, these old patterns surface.
If someone shuts down, lashes out, or goes numb when things get hard — that’s not “bad communication.”
That’s a nervous system doing its best to stay safe.
Without capacity in the body, relationship gets lost.
To build capacity, we must learn to feel safely in connection.
Not just cognitively — but somatically.
Not just cognitively — but somatically.
To stay with sensation.
To breathe through discomfort.
To allow emotion to rise and move without shutting it down.
To breathe through discomfort.
To allow emotion to rise and move without shutting it down.
This is the kind of embodied presence that creates secure love — especially in intimate partnership.
For men, this might look like:
“Can I stay with her emotion without needing to fix or flee?”
“Can I feel her energy rise without collapsing or controlling it?”
“Can I stay regulated in my body, so she can trust hers?”
“Can I stay with her emotion without needing to fix or flee?”
“Can I feel her energy rise without collapsing or controlling it?”
“Can I stay regulated in my body, so she can trust hers?”
For women:
“Can I allow my full emotional truth to surface?”
“Can I trust that I don’t have to shrink or manage him to feel safe?”
“Can I soften and stay open, even when it feels edgy?”
“Can I allow my full emotional truth to surface?”
“Can I trust that I don’t have to shrink or manage him to feel safe?”
“Can I soften and stay open, even when it feels edgy?”
Feeling with each other — in real time — is the medicine.
When we bring co-regulation, nervous system attunement, and emotional permission into the field of love, both people begin to experience a radical truth:
I can be fully held.
I can be completely free.
And I don’t have to choose between the two.
I can be completely free.
And I don’t have to choose between the two.
This is the heart of somatic relationship work.
Not perfection, not control — but presence.
Nervous systems learning to dance with one another.
With care and devotion to the body’s wisdom,
Tovah Petra 🌹
In relationship, capacity is everything. Without it, even the deepest love can get lost in misunderstanding, disconnection, or unmet needs.Capacity is what allows us to stay present in the hard moments — when emotions run high, when wounds get triggered, when the past creeps into the present. It’s what makes love feel safe and secure rather than chaotic or unpredictable. But here’s the truth:
To build capacity, you have to be able to feel.
Feeling your own emotions. Feeling your partner’s emotions. Being willing to sit in the discomfort without numbing, fixing, or fleeing. That’s the work. This is where many relationships hit their edge — because it’s hard to feel, especially when your nervous system is screaming for protection. But if you can learn to stay, to breathe, to stay rooted in your body… you build something unshakable. You build presence. And presence is what creates safety.
For men especially, this is often the initiation:
Can you stay with her feelings without shutting down or making it about you?
Can you trust that you are safe, even when she’s feeling big things?
Can you hold her — not just physically, but emotionally — in that moment?
Can you stay with her feelings without shutting down or making it about you?
Can you trust that you are safe, even when she’s feeling big things?
Can you hold her — not just physically, but emotionally — in that moment?
Because that’s what she wants.
She doesn’t need you to fix it.
She doesn’t need a solution.
She wants to know that you can hold her — in her tenderness, her rage, her sorrow, her joy.
She doesn’t need you to fix it.
She doesn’t need a solution.
She wants to know that you can hold her — in her tenderness, her rage, her sorrow, her joy.
When a woman feels that you can stay with her while she feels, something softens.
She feels safe. Seen. Met.
She can surrender. And the connection between you deepens.
Not because you said the right words or played the perfect role —
but because your capacity to stay made room for her full expression.
She feels safe. Seen. Met.
She can surrender. And the connection between you deepens.
Not because you said the right words or played the perfect role —
but because your capacity to stay made room for her full expression.
This is how love grows: not in the perfect moments, but in the raw, vulnerable ones —
when you stay open, when you stay steady, when you feel with her instead of recoiling.
when you stay open, when you stay steady, when you feel with her instead of recoiling.
Capacity is a muscle. You build it by showing up again and again, with presence and practice.
Because without it, relationship gets lost. But with it?
Relationship becomes the most healing, transformative, and sexy space of all.
Relationship becomes the most healing, transformative, and sexy space of all.
❤️ Tovah Petra
