Do you need hope in your relationship? Do you feel like giving up? I have been there, too. The first three years of my marriage were filled with conflict and misunderstandings, and I wondered daily if this marriage, like my first one, was doomed to end in heartbreak. I needed hope desperately. If you are feeling something similar, I want to encourage you: there can be hope.
Most of us begin our lives together with hearts full of hope and dreams, but somewhere along the way, we lose that exuberant optimism. How do we move from the giddiness of new love to feeling like there’s no way this relationship can continue as it is now? That we will never be happy together, no matter how hard we try?
To answer this question, we need to realize that hope is connected to our expectations and desires. Our current reality looks nothing like the picture we have in our head of how things are supposed to be. So how do we find hope again? How do we push back against the heavy burden of defeat? We can’t force hope. . Emily Dickinson describes hope as:
"...the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
To answer this question, we need to realize that hope is connected to our expectations and desires. Our current reality looks nothing like the picture we have in our head of how things are supposed to be. So how do we find hope again? How do we push back against the heavy burden of defeat? We can’t force hope. . Emily Dickinson describes hope as:
"...the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -"
I’ve always loved this poem because it conveys the feeling of hope: a gentle song that helps us through tough days.
Before we go further, I would like to add a caveat: not every relationship can or should be saved; that is another discussion. If there is abuse, serious addiction or infidelity, you and your children, if any, need to be safe, and you should seek help as soon as possible. We can’t force someone else to change or stay with us. Sometimes we leave or are left, but it’s better to make that choice with some hope and intention. This article is not trying to make that decision for you; rather, it offers hope to those who desire to stay with their partner.
In this article, we will explore eight strategies to foster hope in your relationship. First, we will look at the people in our lives, including friends and support partners. Next, we will examine our mindset and our past resilience. Then we will consider some practical tools to improve our partnership. Finally, we will consider how our faith can be a great light in the quest for hope.
In this article, we will explore eight strategies to foster hope in your relationship. First, we will look at the people in our lives, including friends and support partners. Next, we will examine our mindset and our past resilience. Then we will consider some practical tools to improve our partnership. Finally, we will consider how our faith can be a great light in the quest for hope.
1. GET NEW FRIENDS
My first suggestion is that you might consider getting some new friends. Now, this won't apply to everyone, but if most of your buddies are either single or unhappy in their relationships, then this applies to you. Try to hang out with at least some people who have good relationships, if you don't already. This is a good strategy because it gives your brain evidence that a good marriage is possible. The people we hang out with have such a big influence, so it's good to have others who believe in relationships in your corner! Traditionally, people were invited to weddings to show their support for the couple getting married.
The problem with hanging out with people who don't believe in love is that they will "support" you when you vent, but they will always take your side. And when you vent to friends, they only hear your side of the story, so they'll probably bash on your spouse. They may even encourage you to leave if you're not happy and never encourage you to learn the skills to work it out. I see this a lot in Facebook groups, where one woman complains about her situation and gets dozens of comments like, "life's too short, girl." Family members can have the same attitude and push you towards breaking up or getting tough on your partner, without knowing all the details.
The problem with hanging out with people who don't believe in love is that they will "support" you when you vent, but they will always take your side. And when you vent to friends, they only hear your side of the story, so they'll probably bash on your spouse. They may even encourage you to leave if you're not happy and never encourage you to learn the skills to work it out. I see this a lot in Facebook groups, where one woman complains about her situation and gets dozens of comments like, "life's too short, girl." Family members can have the same attitude and push you towards breaking up or getting tough on your partner, without knowing all the details.
2. GET SUPPORT
The first point is just about having some successful partnerships in your social circle. This next point goes a step further and suggests that you get some actual designated support for your relationship. Relationship help comes in many forms, ranging from completely self-help to a carefully designed program tailored to your demographic. The first, easiest step may be simply Google out your questions and check out some articles or videos online. You may then decide to go deeper and get a book from the library or Amazon. Even just reading or watching someone who has studied relationships can be a great help because you're getting another perspective than your own.
Another option is to open up to a friend (who you know supports your relationship) about what’s happening. Letting someone else know about your situation can be scary, especially if you are used to pretending everything is okay, but it sheds light on it and makes you feel less alone. You might also look for support communities, whether online or in person. Some churches even have programs that pair newlyweds with mentor couples for support. This allows young couples to see an example of a marriage that has weathered the storms. When we were first married, we were paired with an "elder" couple, and they eventually helped us change our relationship.
You can also look at marriage counselling or coaching. Therapy is an excellent tool for learning communication skills and examining how the past affects your present. Coaching is a powerful way to help you move forward with positivity and making different choices. Whatever form of help you choose, it can help you move from feeling helpless into empowerment.
Another option is to open up to a friend (who you know supports your relationship) about what’s happening. Letting someone else know about your situation can be scary, especially if you are used to pretending everything is okay, but it sheds light on it and makes you feel less alone. You might also look for support communities, whether online or in person. Some churches even have programs that pair newlyweds with mentor couples for support. This allows young couples to see an example of a marriage that has weathered the storms. When we were first married, we were paired with an "elder" couple, and they eventually helped us change our relationship.
You can also look at marriage counselling or coaching. Therapy is an excellent tool for learning communication skills and examining how the past affects your present. Coaching is a powerful way to help you move forward with positivity and making different choices. Whatever form of help you choose, it can help you move from feeling helpless into empowerment.
3. GET CURIOUS
Thirteen years ago, my husband and I moved to an acreage in the middle of a forest. Even though my dad's family were farmers, the farming knowledge had not been passed down to me. I had no idea how to garden or improve our yard, so I started researching and asking questions. The best piece of advice I got was to observe first before making any big decisions. I think that's great advice for many situations, including marriage. It can be so helpful to really observe what's happening in a non-emotional way because it helps us move from simply reacting to acting more consciously.
After the two of you have a disagreement, try writing down what actually happened, without the strong emotion. Write it down as if you were a police officer at the scene of a crime, and it may help you look at it in a different way. Then, once you have objectively observed what is happening, you can start asking questions. Why did I start this conversation? How did things escalate? Journaling of any kind can be a powerful way of gaining hope and helping you sort through what's happening.
I have a client exercise called “Wonder and Look Under" which involves looking at behaviour we don't understand and simply asking where it comes from. Just the act of asking is a huge step because so often, we are judging before we are asking! One way to have hope in your marriage is to allow yourself to ask "why" without assuming you already know the answer. This can be a huge shift.
After the two of you have a disagreement, try writing down what actually happened, without the strong emotion. Write it down as if you were a police officer at the scene of a crime, and it may help you look at it in a different way. Then, once you have objectively observed what is happening, you can start asking questions. Why did I start this conversation? How did things escalate? Journaling of any kind can be a powerful way of gaining hope and helping you sort through what's happening.
I have a client exercise called “Wonder and Look Under" which involves looking at behaviour we don't understand and simply asking where it comes from. Just the act of asking is a huge step because so often, we are judging before we are asking! One way to have hope in your marriage is to allow yourself to ask "why" without assuming you already know the answer. This can be a huge shift.
4. GET HISTORIC
In this fourth point, I want you to remember who you are, because in the middle of an argument, it's really hard to recall that. Specifically, have a look at your past. Think about the challenges you’ve overcome. Maybe you beat an addiction or did something you once thought was impossible. Was there a time when what you have now seemed out of reach?
Your relationship might feel impossible now, but you and your partner can change, and circumstances often change, too. During the long winters here in Canada, I often tell my husband, half-jokingly, that I believe winter is actually here to stay this year. But so far, summer has always come, eventually! Seasons do come and go, and it is useful to place your current relationship struggles in the same lens. Is this situation, which seems hopeless, actually a season that will eventually change?
Your relationship might feel impossible now, but you and your partner can change, and circumstances often change, too. During the long winters here in Canada, I often tell my husband, half-jokingly, that I believe winter is actually here to stay this year. But so far, summer has always come, eventually! Seasons do come and go, and it is useful to place your current relationship struggles in the same lens. Is this situation, which seems hopeless, actually a season that will eventually change?
Relationships do go through stages. We start out in the romance stage, where everything seems perfect, but then inevitably, we move into the conflict stage. This is where many of us stay and eventually end things. But the next stages are where the good stuff happens! When we commit to keep going, it can lead to growth and eventually to thriving. Knowing that conflict is a natural part of a long-term relationship, and that it can be worked through, can be life-changing for couples.
5. EMBRACE DIFFERENCES
Another thing that helps give you hope is gaining a better understanding of your personality. Often, what bothers you most is that our spouse is so very different than you in fundamental ways. For example. you may be very meticulous about time, but your beloved never seems to stick to a schedule. You may even start to believe that his behaviour is a sign that he doesn't love you. The problem with that line of thinking is that it doesn't take into account your individual strengths and weaknesses.
In fact, your partner's differences can be an amazing gift to your relationship. I have seen this play out so much in our marriage. For example, my husband is very funny, whereas I tend to be more serious. Being together has made me a more relaxed person, and my fun side has blossomed a lot more. On the other hand, he has become more studious and thoughtful throughout the years. Being with someone different from ourselves is challenging, but it can also lead to a great deal of growth.
6. GET LISTENING
One of the most powerful things we can do for our spouse is listen. Sound too simplistic? It sounds simple, but the key distinction is that you listen with an open heart without assuming where they are coming from. When your partner shares something, don't focus on what you're going to say next; instead, try to really take in what they are trying to say. Listen to every word and then respond fully from your heart. I know it's hard -- especially if you are chasing kids, running around and trying to keep up with your long to-do list. But ... it's worth it.
Listening fully with our heart is something we rarely do in today's fast-paced world. It is this listening that we yearn for and the reason we see a psychologist who can take the time to truly hear us. And understandably, you may not be able to do this every single time you talk, but set a goal to do it once a week. So, remember, listen fully and don't assume you know what they are going to say.
Listening fully with our heart is something we rarely do in today's fast-paced world. It is this listening that we yearn for and the reason we see a psychologist who can take the time to truly hear us. And understandably, you may not be able to do this every single time you talk, but set a goal to do it once a week. So, remember, listen fully and don't assume you know what they are going to say.
7. GET HEALING
When our marriage is troubled, it can become all-consuming. We think about it often and ruminate on how we wish things could be different. I know from experience that during our worst times, I was much more focused on what my husband was doing than what I was bringing to the table. And that's normal.
But what I didn't realize at the time was that I was damaged in many ways. Yes, Vern did do things to hurt me, but I was unknowingly hurting him, too. I had not fully healed from the relationship I had been in before marrying Vern and was very distrustful of men in general. I was still working things out from childhood abuse. And even though I thought I was fully healed, I wasn't. In fact, marriage is a crucible that brings people into being able to see their trauma and brokenness far more than they can by themselves. The pressure of commitment and the intimacy of seeing the same person day after day forces hard things within ourselves to the forefront.
But what I didn't realize at the time was that I was damaged in many ways. Yes, Vern did do things to hurt me, but I was unknowingly hurting him, too. I had not fully healed from the relationship I had been in before marrying Vern and was very distrustful of men in general. I was still working things out from childhood abuse. And even though I thought I was fully healed, I wasn't. In fact, marriage is a crucible that brings people into being able to see their trauma and brokenness far more than they can by themselves. The pressure of commitment and the intimacy of seeing the same person day after day forces hard things within ourselves to the forefront.
So, another factor to consider when seeking hope for your marriage is your own healing. Besides counselling or coaching for you as a couple, you may consider some 1-1 work with a counsellor to see what may be affecting you individually. Healing can also come through more independent ways, such as journaling or walking in nature. The point is to still see yourself as a person and be gentle with yourself. And be willing to look at how your reactions contribute to the issues, rather than blaming your partner alone.
8. GET GROUNDED
Early in our marriage, our "off days" were often, and our "on days" were rare. On one very late evening, I couldn't sleep. We had started the morning with an argument, had never resolved it and had avoided each other all day. That night, I couldn't stop crying, but he had gone straight to sleep as I wasn't even there. I left the bed, headed to the couch to get away, and prayed desperately.
"God, I know we can't keep going on this way. Please help me. Soften his heart. Show me what I need to change." For the first time that day, I felt peace, and my mind started to relax. A few minutes later, my sleepy husband wandered out to the couch, hugged me, apologized and walked me back to bed. I was amazed. I believe it was an answer to prayer.
Many times in our marriage, I surrendered to God, and things shifted. As a Christian, I do believe God can help us see ourselves more clearly and soften our hearts. Our shared faith has been a source of strength in our marriage journey. If you identify as a person of faith, I encourage you to lean into your beliefs as they relate to relationships. Study the Scriptures and pray. Go to your spiritual leader or a fellow believer and seek support.
"God, I know we can't keep going on this way. Please help me. Soften his heart. Show me what I need to change." For the first time that day, I felt peace, and my mind started to relax. A few minutes later, my sleepy husband wandered out to the couch, hugged me, apologized and walked me back to bed. I was amazed. I believe it was an answer to prayer.
Many times in our marriage, I surrendered to God, and things shifted. As a Christian, I do believe God can help us see ourselves more clearly and soften our hearts. Our shared faith has been a source of strength in our marriage journey. If you identify as a person of faith, I encourage you to lean into your beliefs as they relate to relationships. Study the Scriptures and pray. Go to your spiritual leader or a fellow believer and seek support.
If you do not consider yourself a formal believer, I encourage you to dig into your values: the things that guide you and that you believe deeply. Knowing you are living according to the principles that mean the most to you is grounding, regardless of what happens in your relationship.
One of my favourite Scriptures, which is a direct message of hope, is Psalm 30:5a: “...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." This verse has been a comfort to me in some hard times. Dark times come, but there is always a new day. Everyone’s journey is different. My journey to hope came from God. It also came from working through my depression with a counsellor, and from both of us getting professional help and using those lessons in our marriage. I also read a lot of books to learn and deepen my understanding of relationships.
You will need to find your own path to hope, but if you were able to glean even one nugget from this, I'm glad. I encourage you to choose one thing that makes sense to you and start. For example, text a friend with a strong marriage and ask to meet for coffee, or go to Amazon and buy a book that addresses issues in your marriage. Taking even one small action today can help you feel less alone and begin to build hope. Often, there is more hope than we realize -- if we dare to look for it.
One of my favourite Scriptures, which is a direct message of hope, is Psalm 30:5a: “...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." This verse has been a comfort to me in some hard times. Dark times come, but there is always a new day. Everyone’s journey is different. My journey to hope came from God. It also came from working through my depression with a counsellor, and from both of us getting professional help and using those lessons in our marriage. I also read a lot of books to learn and deepen my understanding of relationships.
You will need to find your own path to hope, but if you were able to glean even one nugget from this, I'm glad. I encourage you to choose one thing that makes sense to you and start. For example, text a friend with a strong marriage and ask to meet for coffee, or go to Amazon and buy a book that addresses issues in your marriage. Taking even one small action today can help you feel less alone and begin to build hope. Often, there is more hope than we realize -- if we dare to look for it.
The reason I write about these topics is to help others experiencing struggles similar to those my husband and I went through. I do this by writing articles like this one, and also by working as a relationship coach. It has been an exciting transition to now offer coaching to other couples. If you are interested in working with me, you can book a call here to see if we are a good fit.
And I would appreciate your comments if you're willing to share which points you related to most and where you're at in your relationship journey. Thanks so much for reading!
1 Comment