In the intricate dance of leadership, our journey continues to unfold with a closer look at the first "M" in our 6 M leadership framework: Managing Yourself. As we delve into this dimension, we encounter a critical facet - Leadership Presence. Remember, Rule 1 stated that it's all about you? The first step to explore is how your presence can be a catalyst for inspiring confidence and propelling your leadership journey forward.
Decoding Leadership Presence:
Presence, often elusive yet unmistakable, is the intangible quality that sets great leaders apart. It's not just about generic leadership qualities; it's about inspiring confidence across various dimensions. In its essence, presence is the amalgamation of vision, charisma, and intelligence, but what does that means in terms of skills and actions. How can you embody this elusive quality?
The Triad of Presence:
There are 3 key elements to creating Leadership Presence and they are your way of BEING, your SPEAKING and your APPEARANCE.
1. Your Beingness:
- Your Way of BEING: How you act, the DIGNITY of your being, or Demeanor. Dignity conveys a sense of poise, composed behavior, and a commanding yet authentic demeanor, all of which contribute to a strong executive presence. It emphasizes a seriousness and a certain level of formality that often accompanies a leader with gravitas. Your BEINGNESS could be being charismatic, being powerful, being smart etc. When you choose a way of being, automatically you have a sense of that way of being. If I say powerful and you take on BEING powerful, notice how your posture changes, how your voice will change, deeper into the chest, not so high in the throat, there are certain actions that a powerful person would take, example speaking up, making decisions, leading the charge, identifying what needs to be done and doing it without being a victim. So, consciously decide YOUR way of being, that is in alignment with the culture you are in, or the business you are leading and then take actions in alignment with that, adjust posture, voice etc to fit in with that way of BEING
- Authenticity and Self-Awareness: Presence begins with your authentic self. Authenticity breeds trust, and self-awareness allows you to navigate challenges with a clear understanding of your strengths and areas for growth. You are a Role Model!
- Emotional Intelligence: Leaders with a strong presence exhibit emotional intelligence, navigating interpersonal dynamics with empathy and astuteness.
- Confidence in difficult situations: Handling it all with grace and ease, clearly showing the path forward.
- Acting decisively: Making decisions wisely but in a timely and effective manner, sharing that information openly transparently, often and early.
- Showing integrity: Doing what you said you would by when you said you would, in the fashion you know it should be done. Having your words and actions align with your vision and strategies. That is a life of high integrity.
- Burnishing reputation: You are a role model, what you think, what you say and the actions you take will either be mimicked and admired, or will be gossiped about and shot down in flames. Your reputation matters.
- Projecting vision: Identifying a vision, reinforcing that vision and making sure all work you and others do is in alignment to that vision. Your actions should also line up with that vision.
2. Your Speaking:
- Vision Communication: A leader's ability to articulate a compelling vision is pivotal.
- Active Listening: Presence is not just about speaking; it's equally about listening. Demonstrate active listening to make your team feel heard and valued.
- Clear Tailored Communication: Work on refining your communication skills by being clear, concise, and compelling. Tailor your message to resonate with different audiences, fostering understanding and alignment.
- Speaking Ability & Command: Ability to speak in public is so critical, you have to be able lead a group and "hold space" for that group, commanding that room and keeping them on task. You have to be able to read the room, allowing them to talk when needed, to relax and have fun at other times, but to also rein them in to focus, and when needed, maintain the time and agenda, where there is some room, allow that to float if more discussion is needed.
- Non Verbal Skills; Your facial expressions, your body in relationship to the room, or items in the room such as a chair, your energy, or beingness, the pitch or speed of your voice, the modulation of your voice are all non verbal communication skills that you need to work on enhancing. Your voice and body are tools for communication, not just the words you speak. Don't speak in a continual, professional monotone, switch it out, be playful at appropriate times, speed up, slow down, speak in a deeper or higher voice. These things matter so learn to control these.
3. Your Appearance:
- Professionalism: Your appearance is the initial visual cue that sets the tone for your leadership presence. Dress professionally, aligning with the expectations of your organizational culture. People make assumptions about you as a person based on how you look. These assumptions could be positive or negative, and eventually become beliefs about you, so you want to ensure that they work in your favour, rather than against you. This will affect the other aspects of leadership presence.
- Confidence in Body Language: Project confidence through your body language. Maintain eye contact, stand tall, and use gestures purposefully. Your physical demeanor contributes significantly to the perception of your leadership presence. People make assumptions based on your body language.
- Vocal Image: This is the image other people create of you in their minds, the moment you open your mouth and speak, again they make assumptions based on this. Your vocal image also matters, you have to do the work to create a strong vocal image. This includes tone of voice, voice pitch, sound, confidence of voice. This is a tool that you should learn to style, foster and enhance.
- Styling and grooming: How you look counts; mainly because people make decisions about you in that first 5 minutes, and that then acts as a filter through which your communication skills and gravitas can be perceived as either worth listening to, or something to avoid. The way your dress, if it is appropriate for the culture, your grooming, hair, smell, all of it matters because of the instantaneous biases that can be created as a result. Being conscious of this, regardless of your personal style, is important when you are working in an organisation, or in your own business. Yes, you can express your style, but be conscious of what is appropriate considering culture or branding.
Elevating Your Presence:
So, now that you are aware of the 3 elements, what can you do to elevate your Presence? There is a lot you can do to elevate the 3 elements of presence, I have listed some options for actions you can consider taking, below.
1. Cultivate Your Beingness:
- Engage in continuous self-reflection to enhance authenticity.
- Prioritize emotional intelligence development through self-awareness exercises.
- Identifying your values and living a life aligned with them
- Build trust by aligning your actions with your values.
- Taking stretch opportunities when available.
- Building skills in strategy, team vision, culture, market orientation, finance so you can lead workshops and conversations.
- Gaining a sponsor, coach or a mentor.
- Working upstream with other business owners, senators, senior leaders, utilising data to support your views.
- Going deep into a niche to build specialised skills, increasing expertise.
- Seeking feedback to get objectivity for further self awareness.
- Building business & technology acumen.
- Being calm in stressful situations, not losing your cool.
2. Polish Your Speaking Skills:
- Enroll in public speaking courses or workshops to refine your communication such as Toastmasters..
- Record yourself and seek constructive feedback and actively work on improving your verbal articulation.
- Tailor your messaging to resonate with diverse audiences.
- Digital presence in LinkedIN, social media, posting articles, replying to things.
- Board service presentations and discussions.
- Public speaking engagements.
- Blogging or writing.
- Improvisation training.
- High-profile public speaking events such as TED talks.
- Agendas; a simple but powerful tool often forgotten, especially in workshop and meeting invites.
- Executive summaries and other regular communication out to team and up to senior leaders.
- Speaking to and sharing your vision all the time.
- Sharing and explaining data & results.
- Storytelling.
- Voice, tone, pitch.
- Eye contact
- Silence utilising 15 seconds of silence after a question
- Active listening skills
3. Refine Your Appearance:
- Understand and embrace the dress code within your organizational culture.
- Invest in professional attire that aligns with your role and industry expectations.
- Practice confident body language through role-playing or visualization exercises.
- Energy & attitude routines.
- Professional style & grooming that is appropriate for that culture or your brand style.
- Tailored clothing, fashionable clothing, etc depending on culture or brand.
- Posture and body language, in relationship to environment and objects.
- Sleep, making sure you get it so you can look and be your best.
- Clean, neat office space.
- Etiquette.
Conclusion: The Power of Your Presence
In the complex landscape of leadership, your presence is the silent force shaping perceptions and opening doors to opportunities. By honing your beingness, refining your speaking, and embodying a polished appearance, you not only inspire confidence but also position yourself as a leader capable of achieving greatness. Presence, in its multifaceted glory, is your passport to unlocking the vast potential that leadership offers. As you master these three key elements, watch how your presence becomes a beacon, guiding you toward transformative leadership.
Reach out to me directly if you want some coaching on this for you, your life, career, business or family. I am a licensed coach with 20+ years experience in leadership, in New York, Silicon Valley, Los Angeles, London & Sydney.
Visit Transformative Visions Website to purchase and book coaching: [www.transformativevisions.com]
Blog Series Sign up: [https://attractwell.com/SuzanneBolton]
#LeadershipPresence #LeadershipJourney #leadershipmastery #3rulesofleadership #selfmastery
In the intricate tapestry of the mind, our thoughts weave the narratives that shape our perception, behavior, and overall well-being. This week, we delve into the profound insights from a study conducted by Dr. Robert Kleck at Dartmouth College, unraveling the power of the mind and how what you expect to see, you will. Let's explore the intricacies, details and results of the study, and most importantly, how this knowledge can empower us to reshape our beliefs for transformative outcomes.
The Victim Mindset Unveiled:
For clarification I want to outline what the victim mindset is, versus being a victim. The victim mindset evolves into a habitual pattern of thinking marked by helplessness, blame, and a lack of personal responsibility. It is the lens through which individuals perceive themselves as perpetual victims, attributing failures and negative experiences to external factors beyond their control. It can often stem from being a victim as a result of trauma, but often it is an ancestral inherited pattern of thinking that has not been consciously deconstructed and identified as to whether it works or not.
Dr. Robert E Kleck's Study
Objective
The objective of this study was to explore how much males and females were disturbed by defects in their own and other person's facial appearance and the impact they believed it would have on their social outcomes and relationships.
Research Design:
- Participants (27 male, 21 female) were told that the experiment was meant to observe if people behaved differently towards those with facial scars.
- Participants were placed into rooms with no mirrors
- A make-up artist proceeded to add a scar to their faces
- After the scar was drawn, participants were given a short glimpse of it with a pocket mirror.
- Participants were then invited to leave the room and interact with folks in the building.
- Before they left the room, the make-up artist told the participants that the scar needed some final touch-ups, but, what the make-up artist actually did was to take off the scar.
- Participants left the room thinking they still wore a make-up scar.
Key Findings:
- They overwhelmingly reported back that people stared at their scars and were mean and rude to them.
- They expected social consequences to be negative and severe
- They had negative emotional responses to disfigurement when they saw others disfigurement
- They expected facial disfigurements to have important consequences for social interaction
- They used the non verbal dimensions of interactive behaviour, particularly gaze patterns were used for interpretation
- Men responded with saying they found it humorous or silly, while women responded with distress, fright or disgust.
- If we expect others to react negatively to some aspect of our physical appearance, there is little others can do to prevent us from confirming our expectation, how frequently and how long someone looks at you, confirms to you that they are looking at the disfigurement; this becomes data for that interpretation. Essentially, ANY gaze pattern becomes evidence. For the subjects who thought they had the scar, they believed they were being discriminated against because of their interpretations of the gaze patterns they saw.
Unpacking the Results
This points to the fact that what you believe to be true, you will see, hear, find or create it, in your external reality. You always find evidence for what you are looking for, hence it is so important to go inwards as a leader and clean up your thoughts, identifying your GRAILS and move you out of a fixed, or even victim mindset, towards a positive or growth mindset. Individuals with a strong victim mindset, exhibit a consistent pattern of externalising blame with a heightened sense of helplessness, so they end up being at the EFFECT of something, rather than being CAUSE in the matter of their lives. Change your mindset, you change everything in your life. Having a vision is important too as it is the context, for which the content of your life; actions, thoughts being, all work towards. Not having a vision means you will literally just be reacting to anything that comes your way.
Empowering Change: Shifting Your Mindset
1. Self-Awareness:
- Acknowledge and identify moments where your GRAILS are running the ship of your life
- Reflect on specific situations triggering these patterns of thinking.
2. Ownership and Responsibility:
- Embrace personal responsibility for your thoughts, actions, and outcomes.
- Recognize the power of choice in shaping your responses to challenges.
3. Reframe Negative Narratives:
- Challenge negative thoughts and beliefs
- Actively reframe situations to highlight personal agency and empowerment.
4. Cultivate Resilience:
- Develop resilience by viewing challenges as opportunities for growth.
- Foster a mindset that sees setbacks as temporary and learnable experiences.
5. Identify a Vision:
- Work on a vision for your life, business or career; this gives your life context and direction
- Challenge your GRAILS until they line up with the Vision
- FInd your BIG ENOUGH why, as this will keep you committed and motivated
Conclusion: Empowerment through Awareness
In the realm of the mind, awareness serves as the first beacon of change. Dr. Robert Kleck's study unravels the intricate dance between our thoughts and its impact on shaping our reality. Armed with this knowledge, we have the power to reshape our beliefs, break free from the shackles of victimhood, and forge a path of empowerment. As we cultivate resilience, embrace responsibility, and actively reframe our narratives, we navigate towards a mindset that propels us to transformative outcomes. Remember, the power of the mind is within your grasp – wield it consciously and shape a narrative of empowerment and growth.
Visit Transformative Visions Website to purchase and book coaching: [www.transformativevisions.com]
Blog Series Sign up: [https://attractwell.com/SuzanneBolton]
In a study conducted by Harvard in 1979, it was found that goal setting and planning significantly impact the attainment of success. The study followed MBA students over a 10 year period and revealed astonishing results. Surprisingly, 84% of the students had set no goals at all, while another 13% had written goals without concrete plans. However, the real game-changer was the mere 3% of students who not only had written goals but also concrete high level plans to achieve them.
Fast forward ten years, and the outcome was remarkable. The 13% with written goals were making twice as much money as the 84% without goals, while the 3% with goals and plans were making an astonishing ten times as much as 97% of the class. This study's findings reinforce the importance of setting clear objectives and developing a strategic plan to turn vision into reality.
While the Harvard study remains a great exploration of the link between goals and success, it is not the only evidence supporting the transformative impact of goal setting. A study by Statistic Brain reveals that individuals who set clear, written goals are 50% more likely to achieve them compared to those who have no specific goals.
What is a Vision?
A vision transcends mere goals; it's a vivid mental image of the future you aspire to create. It acts as a magnetic force, pulling you towards a life that aligns with your deepest desires and values. Your vision fuels motivation during challenges. A well-defined vision serves as a compass, guiding strategic goal-setting.
3 Rules of Leadership
When thinking about the 3 rules of Leadership below, a vision and goal setting is very much about rule 3: It's not about you or others, it's about the Vision that you and others deliver on! However, to deliver on a vision, you need to identify the big strategic goals and your operational goals that sit under them, your roadmap. Only then can you focus and align around the direction the vision identifies.
- 1. It's all about YOU!
- 2. It's not about you, it's about OTHERS!
- 3. It's not about you or others, It's about the vision!
The Importance of Goal Setting and Planning
Once you have a vision, you need to do the work to identify the strategic goals, you can do that in a myriad of ways, as a product person, you want to know the problems and opportunities that are going on in the market, with the end user and with the problem so that you can leverage those to write your strategic goals. Really important to do the research to enable identifying a strategic goal. For an individual in life, I would use a different approach and have you think about the future; 2-5 years and no more. What does that future look like, what are you doing, where are you working, what does the environment look like, any smells, sounds, tastes, etc. Then looking back from that future to today, what were the BIG milestones, or steps you took to get you to that future. Once you have identified those, you can prioritise and start to work on one goal only. Break that goal up into small actional steps and set up some timelines for them.
This becomes your plan and as you take action towards that vision, the plan clarifies more and more. You need to take action to get clarity. Remember, if you want to achieve something in life, business or career, having a vision, setting some goals and taking small actions will make a significant difference, not only to your earnings as mentioned in the study above, but also in terms of your own personal satisfaction and accomplishments. There is no better way to build a happy, strong sense of self then by realising a vision you might have! It will also help you to:
- Clarity Breeds Success:
- Goal setting provides clarity, helping individuals define their aspirations with precision.
- Concrete plans transform vague ideas into actionable steps, creating a roadmap towards success.
- Motivation and Focus:
- Written goals serve as a constant source of motivation, reminding individuals of their purpose.
- Concrete plans act as a compass, keeping individuals focused on the necessary steps to reach their objectives.
- Measurable Progress:
- Setting goals with clear metrics enables individuals to track their progress.
- Concrete plans provide benchmarks, allowing for adjustments and optimizations along the journey.
- Overcoming Challenges:
- Goals and plans serve as a resilience tool, helping individuals navigate challenges with a clear strategy in mind.
- A well-defined vision becomes a source of strength during setbacks, fostering determination and perseverance.
- Reactivity Reduction:
- Goals serve as a focusing factor and anything apart from those goals start to be less of a priority
- You stop reacting to everything that comes along, because you have focus
Conclusion
The Harvard study laid bare the undeniable connection between goal setting, planning, and unprecedented success. As a leadership coach, I've witnessed firsthand the transformative power of guiding individuals towards setting clear, written goals and creating actionable plans. The key is not merely to dream but to translate those dreams into tangible objectives and strategies. Your vision is within reach – all it takes is a clear goal and a solid plan to turn that vision into reality. The statistics speak for themselves; are you ready to harness the power of having a vision and setting goals for your journey towards success.
Reach out to me directly if you want some coaching on this for you, your life, career, business or family. I am a licensed coach with 20+ years experience in leadership, in New York, Silicon Valley, Los Angeles, London & Sydney.
Visit Transformative Visions Website to purchase and book coaching: [www.transformativevisions.com
Blog Series Sign up: [https://attractwell.com/SuzanneBolton]
In the tapestry of leadership, success is not solely defined by skills or strategies, but deeply interwoven with the beliefs we hold. As we navigate the dynamic landscape of leadership, understanding the profound impact of our beliefs becomes a strategic imperative. This week, let's embark on a journey to unravel the science behind how beliefs shape your success as a leader, diving into the depths of the unconscious mind and exploring transformative strategies. We'll explore these insights through the lens of the three fundamental rules of leadership mentioned in a prior blog.
The Power of Beliefs
Beliefs serve as the lens through which we interpret the world, ourselves, and others. They are the silent architects of our attitudes and actions, ultimately determining the results we achieve. What may seem like conscious decisions often have their roots in the unconscious, where beliefs silently steer our course.
Research indicates that a staggering 95% of our decisions and actions are driven by beliefs residing in our unconscious mind. Our conscious mind remains unaware, and we find ourselves taking actions or being hindered by beliefs that never surface to rational thought. This challenges the notion of our logical and rational decision-making processes, revealing the intricate dance between the conscious and unconscious realms.
The Unconscious Influence
Our unconscious mind becomes the puppet master behind the scenes, dictating how we perceive challenges, opportunities, and potential growth. Often, our actions (or lack thereof) are justified by these unconscious beliefs. The key lies in acknowledging the hidden influences and recognizing that we are not as logical and rational as we might perceive ourselves to be.
A positive and empowering belief system emerges as a potent force in the leader's journey. Mastery over these beliefs opens a gateway to unparalleled success, where obstacles become stepping stones rather than roadblocks. The first step in this transformative process is to replace limiting beliefs and behaviors with empowering alternatives.
Rule 1: It's All About YOU
To bring your best self forward as a leader, no matter if is is a leader in your business, your career or your life, you need to go inwards first. You have to identify your shadow self, see it in action, learn to accept it, integrate it and see it as an opportunity to get better, to transform, to uplevel your relationships through your own shadow work, as in life, you can't change anything over there with the other person, all you have is the ability to affect change with yourself and as a result of that, you will take different actions and have different results.
Rule 1 in Action: Uncovering the GRAILS in the Unconscious Mind
The journey toward leadership excellence begins by identifying the GRAILS lurking in the recesses of the unconscious mind:
- G for Gremlins (Inner Critic):
- Unveil the critical inner voice that undermines your confidence and potential. Is it a perfectionist, a controller, an underminer, a destroyer, a guilt tripper or conformist? Which inner critic come sounds like yours?
- R for Rigid Rules:
- Identify the stringent rules that dictate your actions, potentially limiting innovation and adaptability.
- A for Assumptions:
- Challenge assumptions that color your perceptions, shaping how you approach challenges and opportunities.
- I for Interpretations:
- Examine the lens through which you interpret events, as it influences your emotional responses and decisions.
- L for Limiting Beliefs:
- Spotlight beliefs that hinder your growth and success, replacing them with empowering alternatives.
- S for Stories:
- Explore the narratives you tell yourself, as they contribute to the script of your leadership journey.
Transformative Leadership: A Call to Action
Leadership transformation becomes a tangible reality when you recognize areas where results fall short of your aspirations. This recognition serves as an opportunity for investigation – a chance to delve into your beliefs, actions, and results. The process involves challenging the GRAILS that hinder your progress and replacing them with beliefs that propel you forward.
Scientific studies emphasize the brain's neuroplasticity, highlighting its adaptability. By consciously reshaping beliefs, we engage in a process of neural rewiring, fostering new connections that align with our leadership goals. This deliberate effort to reprogram the unconscious mind becomes the catalyst for personal and professional growth. Learn to reframe for yourself every time you catch the GRAILS.
Rule 2: It's Not About You, but About OTHERS
As we uncover the intricacies of our beliefs, we transition seamlessly into the second rule of leadership – the understanding that leadership is not solely about ourselves. It extends to others, their needs, and fostering a collaborative environment that propels the entire team forward. When we bring our best selves forward through transformed beliefs, we create a foundation for genuine connection, empathy, and effective leadership. We learn to listen with compassion, we listen to learn, not to reply and we build strong relationships that can be leveraged to build strong networks. We coach others to bring out the best in them, thereby building a team based on leaning into each others strengths and relating to each other as human beings with our own inner lives going on.
Rule 3: It's Not About You or Others, It's About the VISION
With a foundation built on self-awareness and a commitment to others, the leadership journey culminates in the realization that true impact in a career, a business or a life, lies in the pursuit of a compelling vision. A positive and empowering belief system aligns seamlessly with a visionary mindset, where obstacles become opportunities and collective goals inspire extraordinary achievements. When your beliefs, words, values, actions and emotions all line up with your vision, you are living a life of integrity and power and realising a vision is really what it is all about. There is a huge amount of satisfaction and validation when you start to realise your vision and get it out into the physical world.
Conclusion: The Leadership Odyssey
In the odyssey of leadership, beliefs emerge as the guiding stars, steering the ship toward success or adversity. Embracing the transformative journey involves a deep dive into the unconscious mind, uncovering the GRAILS that influence our actions and results. As you replace limiting beliefs with empowering alternatives, you pave the way for a leadership narrative, utilising the 3 Rules of Leadership as a structure, which is then defined by resilience, innovation, and unwavering success. The mastery of beliefs becomes the cornerstone of leadership excellence, propelling you toward a future where your impact knows no bounds. This is CONSCIOUS leadership.
Reach out to me directly if you want some coaching on this for you, your life, career, business or family. I am a licensed coach with 20+ years experience in leadership, in New York, Silicon Valley, Los Angeles, London & Sydney.
Visit Transformative Visions Website to purchase and book coaching: [www.transformativevisions.com
Blog Series Sign up: [https://attractwell.com/SuzanneBolton]
In life, our beliefs act as the silent architects, that shape the very contours of our reality. This week, we embark on a journey of self-reflection, examining the areas of our lives where our beliefs hold the key to satisfaction, or create invisible and unconscious barriers to success. Let's delve into these realms of life, as we rate our satisfaction and work towards uncovering the beliefs that shape our experiences.
Areas of Life to Consider
- Finances & Wealth:
- This area includes retirement plans, financial decisions, savings accounts, emergency accounts, stock plans and wealth creation activities.
- Career & Professional Development:
- This area includes defining your path forward in your career, having a plan for that, and taking deliberate actions towards growth.
- Business:
- Focuses on building a business, finding that right product market fit and growing it so that impacts you, your family and others in a positive way
- Health, Wellbeing & Fitness:
- Prioritizing physical, mental, and emotional health for an increased health span so that it matches your life span.
- Social, Recreation & Leisure:
- Identifying activities and hobbies that bring relaxation and joy and can put you into the state of flow.
- Fun & Adventure:
- Embracing spontaneity, new experiences, and life's adventures, doing things you have never done before to keep your brain active.
- Family Relationships:
- Envisioning fulfilling relationships and identifying ways to contribute to the well-being of family members and learning to co-regulate.
- Personal Relationships:
- Focusing on self-awareness and co-regulation for healthy relationships, being of service to others.
- Personal Growth & Learning:
- Setting goals for continuous personal development and expansion of boundaries.
- Spirituality & Mindfulness:
- Exploring beliefs, values, and practices, and consciously choosing empowering life contexts.
- Contribution & Service:
- Considering ways to make an impact on others, give back, and leave a legacy, coach others and connect.
- Home & Environment:
- Envisioning the ideal living space and creating a peaceful environment.
- Environment & Sustainability:
- Setting goals for ecological responsibility, such as reuse and recycling, picking up trash.
Rate Your Satisfaction
On a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being not satisfied and 10 being extremely satisfied, evaluate your current satisfaction in each of these areas. This exercise sets the stage for introspection and identifies where beliefs may be either propelling you forward or holding you back. What do each of these areas feel like to you? What would you change, what is going well? What is not? For the areas you have rated on the lower side, you will usually have limiting beliefs that are running the show in that area.
The GRAILS at Play
Now, let's systematically explore the GRAILS—Gremlin, Rigid Rules, Assumptions, Interpretations, Limiting Beliefs, and Stories—in the areas where satisfaction is lacking. Identify the narratives that may be silently shaping your reality:
- Gremlin (Inner Critic):
- What self-doubts or criticisms echo in your mind about yourself that you constantly say to yourself? They would be things such as "I am not good enough," "I am not smart enough," or "I will never succeed." Notice that you say these whenever you are confronted by something; it is an unconscious automatic response. Learn to catch it as you say it and then choose something else more empowering.
- Rigid Rules:
- Are there inflexible expectations limiting your possibilities? For instance, I can only start a new exercise program on a Monday, or I must follow a specific career path chosen by my parents. I cannot express vulnerability or ask for help, or must marry by a certain age, or I can't talk to them as they do not follow my religion, and on and on they go. These are usually unconscious learned behaviours, but have you ever questioned them to see if they make sense for you given today's day and age?
- Assumptions:
- Have unverified conclusions colored your perceptions? Examples are all Asians are good at math, women are naturally more nurturing than men, older people are not as technologically savvy as younger people, couples who don't have children are unhappy. What assumptions do you have about others that stop you connecting and building relationships with others, or have you diminish others???
- Interpretations:
- How do you interpret events, and does it skew toward the negative? Look into and identify your own cognitive distortions that are going on here. Examples of cognitive distortions are:
- All-or-Nothing Thinking (Black-and-White Thinking): Explanation: Seeing things in extreme, all-or-nothing terms without considering any middle ground or shades of gray. Example: "If I don't get a perfect score on this exam, I'm a total failure."
- Overgeneralization: Explanation: Drawing broad conclusions based on a single event or limited evidence. Example: "I didn't get the job after the first interview. I'll never get hired anywhere."
- Mental Filtering (Selective Abstraction): Explanation: Focusing exclusively on negative details while ignoring positive aspects of a situation. Example: "I received positive feedback from my supervisor, but I made a small mistake, so I must be terrible at my job."
- Discounting the Positive: Explanation: Minimizing or dismissing positive experiences, qualities, or achievements as insignificant or unimportant. Example: "I got an A on the test, but it was just an easy exam."
- Jumping to Conclusions: Explanation: Making assumptions or interpreting situations without sufficient evidence or information. Example: "She didn't respond to my message; she must be mad at me."
- Magnification and Minimization (Catastrophizing or Fortune-Telling): Explanation: Exaggerating the importance of negative events while downplaying positive events. Example: "I made a minor error in my presentation; everyone must think I'm a terrible presenter."
- Emotional Reasoning: Explanation: Believing that because we feel a certain way, it must be true. Example: "I feel like a failure, so I must be a failure."
- Should Statements: Explanation: Using "should," "must," or "ought to" statements to impose unrealistic expectations on oneself or others. Example: "I should always be perfect and never make mistakes."
- Labeling and Mislabeling: Explanation: Attaching negative labels or generalizations to oneself or others based on specific behaviors or mistakes. Example: "I made a mistake, so I'm a complete idiot."
- Personalization: Explanation: Believing that one is responsible for external events or outcomes that are beyond one's control. Example: "My team didn't meet the project deadline, so it's all my fault."
- Blaming: Explanation: Holding others solely responsible for negative events without considering other contributing factors. Example: "I didn't get the promotion because my coworker sabotaged me."
- Fallacy of Change: Explanation: Believing that others must change for you to be happy or that you can change others. Example: "If my partner would just be more supportive, then I would be happy."
- Fallacy of Fairness: Explanation: Believing that life should always be fair, and things should go according to one's expectations. Example: "It's not fair that I have to work harder than others to get the same recognition."
- Fallacy of Control: Explanation: Believing that one has more control over external events or others' feelings and behaviors than is realistically possible. Example: "I should be able to make everyone like me."
- Always Being Right: Explanation: Insisting on being right in every situation, even at the expense of relationships or personal well-being. Example: "I can't back down from an argument because I must always be right."
- How do you interpret events, and does it skew toward the negative? Look into and identify your own cognitive distortions that are going on here. Examples of cognitive distortions are:
- Limiting Beliefs:
- What convictions are restricting your potential in the different areas of life? Examples are I'll never be wealthy because I come from a poor background , I'm unlovable and will always be alone, 'm not qualified for that job; they'll never hire me, I'll always be overweight; diets never work for me, I'm too old to learn new things; my brain can't handle it, I can't speak in public; I'll embarrass myself, etc. Notice that these are self defeating and self perpetuating. They will stop you from taking action in that area of life. So what limiting beliefs do you have in which areas of life? Write them down.
- Stories:
- What narratives do you tell yourself about your experiences with others of about yourself? so for instance, if someone says something to you and then their eyebrows raise when you answer, you might make up a story along the lines of "they don't agree with what I just said," or "they think I am an idiot,' or they must be an alcoholic'" etc. All day long we are making things up about what was said to us, peoples expressions and our interactions. Now for every 10 things you can think up for that experience, I bet there are another 10 other versions that someone else can make up too. Notice that you do this all day long and as a result, it keeps you separate from others, relatedness and connectivity are the price you pay. So catch yourself doing this.
Information Processing and the Reticular Activating System (RAS)
Our minds process a vast amount of information; approximately 11 million bits of information every second, yet consciously, we only process a fraction; 50 bits of information a second, so there is a significant disparity between the two. What happens to all that information OUT THERE? The Reticular Activating System (RAS) acts as a gatekeeper, filtering information based on our beliefs and hierarchy of needs, focusing on what's important. It does this to stop sensory overload and to sharpen your focus on your goals. Change your beliefs, and you'll alter the information processed by your RAS, ultimately changing the actions you take and your results. You will literally start looking for new information. So, the practice is to identify your grails, write them down and now start to practice looking for NEW EVIDENCE to support your new beliefs. Every time you catch yourself expressing your old belief, say no, my new belief is... and the look for evidence for that new belief. Play with this as if it were a game and start to retrain your brain. This is a practice and you have to do the work; it is not a once and done kind thing, it takes constant practice until that belief is shifted. You will know it is shifted when you have new results in that area of life.
Conclusion
Beliefs are the silent architects of our reality, shaping our experiences and influencing our satisfaction in various life domains. By systematically exploring the GRAILS and understanding the role of the RAS, we empower ourselves to identify and transform limiting beliefs. As we embark on this journey of self-discovery, let's remember: changing our beliefs changes the lens through which we perceive and process information, ultimately leading to a profound shift in the results we achieve in our multifaceted lives. Embrace the power of belief, for in doing so, you unlock the potential for a more satisfying and purposeful existence.
Reach out to me directly if you want some coaching on this for you, your life, career, business or family. I am a licensed coach with 20+ years experience in leadership, in New York, Silicon Valley, Los Angeles, London & Sydney.
Visit Transformative Visions Website to purchase and book coaching: [www.transformativevisions.com
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