When my husband and I first got married, we had A LOT of conflict. It was a second marriage for both of us, so things were complicated. Our personalities were very different, so we seemed to have a different perspective on even the most basic of issues. To top it off, we had both undergone major hurts in our childhood, and past relationships, so we were triggered by minor incidents.
It is not an exaggeration to say that the threat of divorce loomed over our lives frequently in those early years. Things came to a head one night when we sought help from an older couple in our church. They recommended marriage counselling. This counsellor, a wise lady who patiently listened to the two of us rave, taught us strategies. These strategies helped calm the situation down.
One of the strategies that I especially needed to hear was to learn to bring up conflict at better times. I used the classic female method: pursue my spouse to solve the problem until he retreats in fear, and no further communication can be had. I was relentless: forcing him to stay awake and listen to my concerns. And we are not alone in this pattern. Studies show that many couples engage in this frustrating dance, and sometimes it is the male who pursues instead.
The problem with this pursuit, however, is that is threatening to the one being pursued. This means that the conversation is always happening under extreme stress. Brilliant marriage researcher, John Gottman, talks about this dance between a pursuer and a retreater. He cites it as one of the most common reasons why marriages don’t work in his book, “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How to Make Yours Last.”
What our marriage counsellor taught us was to WAIT and try to solve things when we are less stressed. This meant NOT trying to solve the conflict in the three following situations:
- When one or both of us are in a rush.
- When one or both of us were exhausted or hungry.
- When one or both of us were still irate.
1. When one or both of you are in a rush.
Trying to get to the root of the problem while both of you are running out the door, late for an appointment, or multi-tasking like a boss is not an effective communication strategy. Again, I know because I tried it, many times! When we are rushed, we are stressed. Emotions are even more likely to be aroused in a negative manner. Wait until you actually do have time to talk!
2. When one or both of you are hungry or exhausted
After ten years of marriage, I have learned to spot the signs of a growling stomach in my husband even before he does. It usually happens when we are travelling somewhere together, to run errands. (We live out of town, so going anywhere requires a car ride. He gets a little edgy and less patient with me, and I immediately suggest we get to a restaurant soon! He will disagree with me, at first, but eventually realize that he is hungry, even though he didn’t realize it.
Thinking about it now, it seems self-evident that trying to solve an argument when people are extremely tired or hungry is not a good idea, but when in the midst of conflict, it is often hard to see the most logical things.
Being tired or hungry means that a person can’t think properly, and the pressure to “fix it” will seem overwhelming. It is a much better idea to wait until both parties have food in their stomach and a good night’s rest behind them. It makes me wonder: how many divorces are really caused by someone (usually a women) not getting her sleep, ever, especially after having kids?
Waiting until someone has slept or ate also eliminates what used to be one of my most common practices: forcing an argument on my husband right before he drifted off to sleep. I used to wait until he was almost sleeping, and then in a loud voice, ask, “are you sleeping?” and then proceed to tell him what was on my mind. This tactic was guaranteed to bring the most volatile response of all, which, of course, triggered my own tears and more arguments.
Now, the pre-sleeping arguments have been replaced (usually, anyway) with a decision to talk about things tomorrow, when we can both use logic, and see things in a new light. What does this mean? It means that it is not always best to follow that old saw, “Never go to be angry.” Sometimes, going to bed angry is the only way you get some sleep, and hopefully, be less angry in the morning.
3. When one or both of you are still irate
The last thing that we learned from our wise, sweet marriage counsellor was to calm down before solving our problem. Now, this one is not always easy, and perhaps not even always possible, but it can really help.
This principle comes from the anger management courses, and it says that people need to breath, before they do something they regret. Calming down does not mean that the issue is solved, or that you don’t still feel angry. It does, mean, however, that you are not going to explode in a terrible rage, and that you are able to talk, instead of yell.
To accomplish this, it may mean leaving things for a while. (This was always hard for me) and maybe going for a walk before you face the issue. Sometime it means giving each other some time to process what has just happened.
4. A New Youtube Channel
These communication strategies went a long way to helping our marriage grow. Good timing solved a myriad of problems for us.
I hope this was helpful for you, and gives you some good strategies for communication in your relationship. I would love to hear from you in the comments below. Also, please check out my new Youtube Channel, and subscribe if you would like to see more videos. I am still working on video quality, so if you would like to see me learn and grow as a Youtuber, please join me on the journey at Happily Ever After Again.
By the way, you may have noticed that I have changed the name of the blog from “Second Chance Love” to “Happily Ever After Again.” I have slowly rebranding this blog, and making some decisions on what direction to go with it. I would love to hear any feedback you have, either in the comments below or by emailing me at admin@secondmarriage.xyz.
Again, thanks for reading. This is Sharilee Swaity of Happily Ever After Again. I give couples hope for their marriage. Take care!
By the way, you may have noticed that I have changed the name of the blog from “Second Chance Love” to “Happily Ever After Again.” I have slowly rebranding this blog, and making some decisions on what direction to go with it. I would love to hear any feedback you have, either in the comments below or by emailing me at admin@secondmarriage.xyz.
Again, thanks for reading. This is Sharilee Swaity of Happily Ever After Again. I give couples hope for their marriage. Take care!
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